"Relationships" - Prescribing the Symptom.

"Sam whines and complains to me a lot, and then expects me to be turned on to him and make love with him. When I don’t want to, he gets angry," said Jackie in our first telephone counseling session. "I have become more and more shut down. I don't want our marriage to end, but if we keep going this way, that is what is going to happen."

"Jackie, what happens when you try to talk to Sam about this?"

"He just gets defensive and accuses me of his grief. I just do not know what to do. "

"It sounds like Sam wants control over you, but is very resistant to anything you have to say, and then the two of you get into a power struggle. What I think might help is doing what I call 'prescribing
the symptom.' Let's do some role-plays so you can see what I mean. You be Sam complaining and I will be you."

[Jackie time Sam using whiny voice] "Honey, I just couldn't sleep last night, and I'm feeling so anxious about work. Maybe tonight we can be together."

[Me, being Jackie] "Sam can be, if only a little more and make me feel really guilty, I think enabled you!"

"Wow, yea" laughed Jackie,"that might work!"

"Let's try some other role-plays."

"Ok. [Being Sam, yelling] You know what Jackie?I've had it with you. I don't feel loved at all.Why should I stay married?"

"Ooh, I love this! I think that Sam is the kind of person who will really get this!"

In our next session Jackie had much to report.

" This was a terrific week! I prescribed the symptom at least three times! Each time Sam looked at me like I was crazy and then started to laugh. He is really getting how ridiculous it is for him to think that whining and complaining and yelling will get me turned on to him. Later in the week, it is much easier and more fun, and I really believed he added! We made love for the first time in
months."

Prescribing the symptom is an excellent way for some people to gain awareness of what they are doing that is not working well for them. When prescribing symptom, it is important to :
[1] Speak in a light, joking way, with no judgment.
[2] Describe the behavior, encouraging the person to do it even more.
[3] Describe the intent behind the behavior.For example,the intent of Sam's whining and complaining was to make Jackie feel guilty enough to give in.The intent behind anger or complaining is to have control over getting what the person wants.It is very helpful to articulate this intent to control, as I did in the role-play by saying, "Maybe you write even louder and threaten more you can control all I love you."

Many people are persistent and hatred, when someone said to them what to do. When you tell a resistant person to do exactly what they are doing, and in fact to do it even more, they are likely to resist you and stop doing what they are doing - whether they are children or adults. After all, when someone escape and complain or getting angry, he or she is being a controlling child who wants to be in control, but does not want to be controlled.

Sometimes prescribing symptom can be miracles!